Does it sometimes seem the whole world is fighting? That’s because we see interpersonal conflict everywhere – in intimate or workplace relationships, at school, even between strangers. While conflict in relationships isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in most cases, the outcome of such conflict is negative. The reason is that people don’t understand the nature of conflict, how to manage, or much less, resolve it. In her book, Perfect Assertiveness, Jan Ferguson explains that “Conflict doesn’t have to hurt; sometimes it can stimulate change, clear the air and open up new perspectives in a relationship.”
So, what is interpersonal conflict?
Conflict generally refers to a problem or misunderstanding between two people, groups of people, or nations. As such, organisational researchers Bernard Omisore and Ashimi Abiodun indicate that interpersonal conflict results from:
- irreconcilabilities within groups
- possible personality clashes
- pressure
- resentment, and
- frustration
According to Omisore and Abiodun, all these can lead to a range of negative emotions, and even fear of being rejected by other group members.
Three levels of conflict
Conflict in relationships also happens at three levels: the behavioural, cognitive and effective levels. At the behavioural level, people hinder others from achieving their goals. Secondly, differences of opinion or interests reflect what is termed cognitive conflict. The third level, effective conflict, leads people to suffer negative emotions. For example, think about the anger, stress or frustration you have felt (or are feeling!) at an intimate partner, or your work colleague.
You may have experienced conflict in one or all these categories but you can’t explain why you didn’t do a better job handling the situation. Take heart, you aren’t alone.
Six Common Causes of Interpersonal Conflict in Relationships
Interpersonal conflict stems from several factors. I’ll explore some of the more common causes of such conflict below:
1. Ineffective communication
First off, it’s fair to say most people know how vital communication is to healthy interpersonal relationships, whether in intimate or workplace situations. In my counselling practice, poor communication is one of the chief culprits contributing to interpersonal conflict. Ineffective communication often happens when people in relationships are unable to express themselves. Moreover, they cannot verbalise their needs. It is that inability to listen empathetically to others. Further, it happens when what people say doesn’t make sense or is not convincing to others. This in turn often leads to misunderstanding and frustration. Inevitably, conflict between the parties ensues. Much of the interpersonal conflict between intimate partners stems from poor communication.
2. Personality differences
No two people are exactly alike, so personality clashes can reasonably be expected. For instance, one person may be introverted, extremely sensitive, and find it hard to express his or her true feelings about a matter. Conversely, you have the extrovert who is very outspoken and willing to share on any matter which concerns him or her. These differences in personality also inform how two such people relate to each other. So, where dissimilarities are misunderstood, it may lead to serious interpersonal conflict.
3. Perceived or real differences not appreciated by the other
People differ in gender, perceptions and values, and how they interpret facts. Others vary over goals and priorities, how they perform a task, or address issues between them. When one or another party fails to acknowledge or validate those differences and instead demeans them as inferior to theirs, this can lead to serious conflict. Individuals in relationships must therefore make every effort to understand how each other thinks and responds to issues. This is a sure way to avoid unnecessary conflict.
4. Competition for power or control
In a similar vein, have you ever done something to outshine or undermine your partner or spouse? For example, to show them as somehow lacking. Similarly, what about co-workers competing for a promotion or for comparative power in your workplace? Intimate or professional, people’s actions may be driven by selfish motivations. This issue of power influencing conflict is underscored by conflict theorist Ron Fisher in his writing, Sources of Conflict and Methods of Conflict Resolution. He explains: “Power conflict occurs when each party wishes to maintain or maximize the amount of influence that it exerts in the relationship and the social setting. It is impossible for one party to be stronger without the other being weaker, at least in terms of direct influence over each other. Thus, a power struggle ensues which usually ends in a victory and defeat, or in a “stand-off” with a continuing state of tension.”
We should seek first to understand in order to be understood.
Steven Covey
5. Misunderstandings
Misunderstanding is really the failure of communication. Certainly, this is a common cause of interpersonal conflict. Steven Covey makes the point that “we should seek first to understand in order to be understood.” In other words, we should make every effort to know the personality and communication styles of others before trying to reason with them. With understanding, we look for the communication styles that fit the other person, leading to greater clarity between the parties. Consequently, we reduce any potential conflict.
6. Unfulfilled expectations
In addition, everyone who enters an interpersonal relationship, intimate or general, comes with expectations. They weigh whether the relationship is working for them. Simply put, they apply a cost-benefit analysis approach. When those expectations are not met, it can lead to conflict and the ultimate breakdown of the relationship. In a marriage relationship, separation or divorce can follow. Demands that are unreasonable, inappropriate, or too many and often are among factors contributing to expectations. Some people don’t even share their demands, in which case, the other party is unaware of the expectations and therefore unable to attempt to fulfil them.
In closing …
Causes are often interconnected. Indeed, they may sometimes lead to what appears to be repetition. This is not unusual and results from the threads that flow from one cause to another. What’s listed here is a small glimpse into sources of conflict. You may already be experiencing unhealthy conflict in your setting. What you’re feeling closely matches some of the information I’ve shared. I’m happy to discuss how I can help you as an individual or a company.
